Thoughts of a Wolf

I'm trying to see if I want this to be a post filled with anger and hurt or if I want to remember why I'm thankful. I have a feeling it will be alittle bit of both, since a lot has happened in the last two weeks.

First off though, I'm really hurt, and when I'm hurt I get angry, and I try my best to keep it calm and collected, but it's hard at times, when people say you are not being honorable or that you are lying when you aren't and have proof that you aren't the one lying.

I think it's hard to judge someone's honor when you don't see them on a daily basis, or have atleast a weekly in person interaction with them. But that's what I've been accused of lately, and that hurts deeply. On one hand I've been taught to forgive, on the other hand it's hard when you know the person or persons were doing it specificly to hurt you. How to you forgive that and try to move on, and try to keep a friendship or build back a friendship with that person? These are some of the specific questions that's been roaming in my head.

I want to keep the friendship, but yet, I wonder why I do? Yet, I know it could be a good friendship, if things get smoothed out, and know that there will always be rough patches, but real friendships, like relationships aren't easy, they are hard work, and it in the end, it's truly worth it, even if there's pain, hurt, and miscommunication involved. I'm not one to give up easily, but it does take me some tiime to get over things. But in a general sense, I will always be there for that person. That's part of who I really am, and people rarely get to see from me, because they don't live near me or have that interaction to really know that about me. So, maybe that's why I'm writing today, after a 14.5 hour work shift.

I have this other friend who "used" to be one of my best friends, and she's finally out of my life, her choice really, I never shut the door, but apparently she couldn't take being my friend any more ... to much pain, to much whatever it was. And also that she ended it because of something someone else wrote in an email letter to her. Had nothing to do with me (partly), I'm not the one that wrote the email. I think that's real cowardly, and it seems to be this person M.O., so I guess I should have expected sooner or later. Getting blame for something that wasn't my fault, and her running in the total opposite direction because she's to scared to maintain what it takes to have a real friendship with her. Bad thing about this ... is if she ever needed me again for any reason, I'd be there. Still.

Which makes me feel like a stupid dumbass. Why the hell should I be there for someone who can't be there for me? Who hasn't been there for me in like f'ing months? I swear I feel like a damn fool, and it pisses me the hell off, that I know I would still be there for her.

And incase you all haven't figured this out I'm talking about two different females.

I also think its f'ing cowardly to hide your damn livejournal posts. That's why most of mine are kept public. The only ones I keep private, and that's after I've had them posted for a week, is the stuff about my family. Other then that I have nothing to hide, not a damn thing. Not my temper, not my giving nature, not anything. There's no reason too.

I've found out why something been held over my head for 6 months, and why salt has been poured into an open wound. The reason, the person did it just because they were hurting back. When the hell are f'ing people gonna grow the F up, and stop doing this shit to others?

Are y'all a bunch a stupid idiots that can not get it through your DAMN head ... WE ARE ALL HUMANS AND WHAT AFFECTs ONE ... AFFECTS THE OTHER??????? That MEANS THE WHOLE HUMAN RACE!!!!!

I am thankful for my family, my friends (EX FRIENDS INCLUDED), and just seeing the sun and the moon, the stars, the little things.

That's all it takes to make me happy. Wish people would get that through their heads about me as well.

Gotta love angsty posts after having such a long damn assed shift.

I have lost so much in life, and again, at this time of year I've lost even more.


I have a quote from a book I recently bought, it's based on the Julian calender days of the year.

"Even though there are so many of us on this planet, everyone can only see themselves. We depend on others to eat, to have clothes, to find a job or become famous, and yet, we regard other people as our enemies though we are all so intimately connected. Is this not a patent contradiction?"

I believe he's right, we are all connected, and we are fail, when we fail each other and ourselves. I've had a lot happen to me in the last year, but I've tried, always best to remember ... there are others out there worse off then myself. What ever the demons are, past, present and future, we are all still connected. As humans, we tend to forget that one thing that affects me, or another, affects other as well. But we only see ourselves, we don't see the day to day life issues, our long away friends do and have happen in their daily lives, we only get glimpses and snippets, when we talk with them. We don't truly know what they are facing, or why they can't be there for us when we need them. So, I think it brings about this selfish circle, and until we get past that within ourselves, no one will ever truly be at peace within themselves. I believe that's why there's petty arguments, blaming ... accusations that aren't true, and people that sit there and hold onto something someone did months and months ago, without even asking them what happened. They just believe the one side, when they could be many issues to what happened and why. Many unseen pressures, unless you witness it daily how can you truly hold that thing over someone's head, and judge them, when you weren't there, you didn't see.

That's what's happened recently, and I've lost people I care about because they haven't been in my life on a daily basis, and I haven't been in theirs. I only know what they've been kind enough to open up to me about, but it would be nice for someone to finally see, everything I go through on a daily basis, for you to really understand me. Walk a mile in my shoes, and know what it's like to really be me, for once, it would just be nice, for someone to not care that I get angry when I'm hurt, because that's the only way I know how to express it, because it my past it's been pounded in my head ... that you cry or show weakness, people will pound on you, laugh at you, you've always got to be the strong one. You've got to show that to the world, or the world will rip you apart. It's be nice for someone to stick around long enough to finally just see me...

The human that I am .... the human inside of the wall, the one that doesn't always want to be strong ... that one that needs to break down ... but I will just suck it up again and lock the hurt away inside, and be the strong. The machine. I've been made to be.

This world will never be, what I expected
And if I don't belong, who would have guessed it
I will not leave alone, everything that I own
To make you feel like, it's not to late
Never to late

Even if I say, it'll be alright
Still I hear you say, you want to end your life
Now and again we try to just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it around 'cause it's not too late
It's never to late

The world we know won't come back
The time we've lost can't get back
The life we've had won't be ours again ...

I've been asked to change, by two people, here recently. To not react in an angry way, and although I understand what they mean, and how much I would love that to not be my first reaction to issues. It's still there, and I don't know how to change it. I'm human, and I know that's how I react to things, and I've tried warning my friends, but they don't understand how hard it is to change something that so deeply embedded in you. But when I react in an angry way, I know now it means that it's because I'm hurt, so I've piece together one part of the puzzle, and it's taken me this long in my life to figure that out. Now, I need to figure out how to change that trigger. But I can't do it over night, or in months, this is something that's going to take awhile to change, and I don't it's fair for them to ask that from me, when I'm still trying to find the pieces as to why this is how I react to things.

You can't fix things if you don't have all the pieces to start with, that comes in time. I can say that I'm better at it now, then I used to be. I used to stay in that angry hurt phase for months on end. Now I've gotten it down to a couple days to a week, if given the time to think about it. But I haven't been given that this time around. Something triggered this recent event, and I still only have a few of the triggers figured out. Some have pieced together correctly, other things haven't. There's more triggers out there to this one, but sadly enough I wont' be able to correctly fix it this time. I won't be given the chance.

That option was taken from me this time, but in the future, i will figure out the triggers and I will piece things together so that I can change it.

This issue though, it was because I was seeing people hurt someone I love very much, and it hurt me as well. And in defense of the person I love, I acted out in words of anger,it really was because I was tired of seeing my love one hurting too. So, for the actual angry outburst I apologize for that, but for whom I did it for, she is worth every bit of defending.

Even if what I said was when I was in an angry, hurt space of mind frame. she's worth it to me.


And to correct something, that's not so cryptic. I did tell you Happy Birthday. We were standing by our cars at the time. And it was while we were talking about my loved one's birthday.

Apparently, there are some people who truly don't understand me, nor know me even after having met me. Truly sorry to hear and see this happen in my life ... so here's a song that a friend of mine turned me onto... it's quite perfectly fits right now, well, parts of the song ...



wlfy




I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
'Cause no one else cared

After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I'm done here?

So if you're asking me
I want you to know

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed

And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest, leave out all the rest

Don't be afraid
I've taken my beating
I've shed but I'm me

I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have you

So if you're asking me
I want you to know

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed

Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest, leave out all the rest

Forgetting all the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well
Pretending someone else can come
And save me from myself
I can't be who you are

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed

Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest, leave out all the rest

Forgetting all the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well
Pretending someone else can come
And save me from myself
I can't be who you are
I can't be who you are

The lastest in the New Moon Saga!

Enjoy!

That's all I wanted to post ... is I'm still living to all my online friends who think I've just left y'all.


*shrugs*

Wow, it seems I update on here more then I do anywhere else on the internet.  I have a myspace account (never go there) and facebook (rarely go there) and I belong to boards that even though I've "left", I still read them.

There has been an increasing number of people who keep saying that I'm angry, or that when I write to them in email that I'm angry.  I have gotten that so much this week, that now I've heard it over and continiously, I am angered.  But if you know anything about me at all, and my writing style, if I truly was angry at you for some reasons ... I would be using the internationally known CAPS that stands for yelling on the internet.   But I don't even when I'm writing in here, except maybe to put in emphasis on a word, which you can also bold, or underline.  To express one's point.

Why is it that people have a problem with you are clearly trying to explain something to them, that they don't seem to be understanding?  Because atleast once a week they keep asking you the same thing and you keep telling them no, and the reasons why.  The reason lately has been money.  I know, I know .... everyone is having money issues lately ... but to continiously bring something up weekly and then be giving the same answer over and over again, wouldn't you get the point?   I mean seriously, it's silly I know, but get a grip and stop asking people.   Stop bringing it up. 

It's just like that post that I made weeks ago about my medical stuff, I have told way more people now then I ever wanted to know.  My choice I realize it, but it's still something I don't want to talk about, it's not the whole of me and when someone finds out that you are going to have something happen medically, and that's all you are.  A medical issue, you aren't even a person anymore.   The questions come like ... so what's up with "said problem" today?  Yes, I know this all has to do with people being concerned.  But DAMN people.  I'm a person that goes through day by day, and hour by hour.  I am not the whole to the sum of my medical issue.  I have far more interesting things happening in my life then just that. 

Now I'll bring it back to the money issue ... because of said medical issue things have been really tight, and my girlfriend has been telling a friend of ours that we can't come visit because of said medical problem still being up in the air, and the fact that every visit to any doctor depending on the co-pay sucks money away from the normal things like bills, gas to and from work/medical appointments, etc.  Y'all get my drift. 

But I'm told I'm angry for giving out in detail ... line for line where all my money is going, and btw just so people know I help to support my whole household.  Everyone know I've moved back in with my mother to help her out because of her medical issues, and that I won't leave said situation because it helps the both of us out. 

I guess I am really tired of people telling me that I'm negative or angry ... just becasue I bluntly put it all out there and you can't handle that part of it.  It frustrates me hearing time and time again from you that I'm angry, when I sit here perfectly calm while I'm at work, after I've eaten my breakfast and write you an email.  Filling in the details you don't have, yet, I'm the one being unessacarily aggressive or have the problem.  Well, hell now after hearing all this bullshit for a week, and I am now offically angered.  Why don't YOU STOP BEING oversensative and stop asking or as you put it inviting everytime one of us turns around, when we've told you we can't AFFORD it. 

Okay, I'm done with said rant.  Go back to your regularly scheduled program of a happy content wolf.

I AM DONE!  Completely and utterly DONE! 

I don't give a damn if I have another friend in my whole damn life. 

Screw this shit.

In my hour of need
I stand alone
In a world as big as
 this

My eyes burn with

Memories

Seared into my brain

Thoughts and deeds

Of the past

Creep of on me

Like a sweeping jungle

 vine

Tripping

I stumble

Barely holding

 myself upright

To see the light

That’s always

Has been

Shining down

 On me …

You are prolly wondering why I titled it that way ... well, let's get into the heart of this post right away then.  A little known fact about my life is that 35 years ago I was born on Memorial Day, and I will never forget it because in my early years, that's all my grandmother would tell me is that she missed the parade the day I was born.  I never knew if she meant that she didn't mind, or if I had interupted  a part of her life.  I never have asked her about that, and now I don't have the chance to since she died when I was 11 to 12 year old.  

I always take time at this same time every year to reflect on the year before, and I've made alot of mistakes this year, but I've also grown from them, as much as I can.  Met some wonderful people, have had some wonderful convo's, and this is what I'll remeber.  I won't remeber all the bad stuff, like loss of friendship, or the pain that I've experienced ... that's released at this moment in time, as I draw positive energy to me to start over and renew myself for another year.  Normal people start this in Jan, at the begining of the year, I start mine on the day I was born.  This is the time of the year that my Phoenix dies and is reborn in the ashes of itself.  

Tonight I will be going home, and lighting a white Candle for healing, and remeber the dead, both of my country and other countries.  I wish to seek peace instead of the chaos running in the world, and I wish that I will see that in my life time.  

I will be spending a quiet night at home, since my celebration has already happened, it'll be nice to be surrounded by silence.  I have so much to say, but I'll end right here, and right now ... I'll leave it for another time when the words flow better, instead of bouncing around my head not settling on one direction to go.  

May the winds carry you safely on your journey and bring your loved ones home safely .... 


wlfy 

(postscript) Please ... I know that I've mentioned it's my birthday, and I don't want any well wishes, but what I would like you to do if you wanted to wish me a happy birthday ... light a candle instead ... it doesn't have to be white ... or take a few minutes to remeber everyone in your life that means something to you.   That's my birthday wish.

Angsty ... just as a general warning ...


I'm trying lately to be very calm, and explain as factually as I want people to know any information without lying to them.  I'm sure that doesn't make sense to most people, but this is how it goes ... if you've asked me a question and I give you an answer like ... " I'm not talking about it or telling you who it is or etc. "  Why keep pushing me on the issue out of the blue?  Does that ever get anyone's questions answered?  I feel like right now that I've choosen to have something private, that I'm being invaded by people who just can't respect that, and I threaten a friend the other day that if she didn't drop the issue that was being discussed I would make sure that I never log online ever again.  And I meant it, so I think that was more of a promise. 

It get's frustrating after 5 or 6 times of saying to someone I'm not talking about it, that they keep bringing it up.  It's not an issue that they should be concerned about, I'm not dying, but it pisses me the hell off because they are curious and they think if they can spring this shit out of the blue the answers I've given them will change ... they won't.  To me it's also disrespectful to keep asking someone when they've given you an answer, similar everytime you've asked the question or questions.  Leave me alone people, please. 

I'm really trying to be honorable, and honest and loyal to myself and to others right now.  And people are choosing to cross that line with me, because they want answers that have nothing to do with their f'ing life.  It has to do with mine, and mine alone.  And I want it private. 

I gave an example the other day, and it's kinda close ... but the example was with S (you know who you are, and I still care alot about you, and you have been a good friend to me, even now) and I.  When we told the community we were together everyone started getting into our business, and I realize having an on-line relationship that happens, in all the years I've been online it happens.  But things for our reasons didn't work out.  So, I've gone alittle private, but S and I still talk, we are still friends, and she's getting eye rolls from people close to her because we are still friends.  I don't believe that just becuz something doesn't work out that you have to write them off as friend or friends.  It boggles my mind that I've heard she's getting shit because she said 5 words in a goodbye post to me, when I announced that I was leaving XOC and TX and maybe the whole Xena community as a whole for personal reasons.  S said "Love you, sweetheart.  Be Well."  Why is she getting flack for it?  Why the hell does that bothers y'all so much that two people have choosen to stay friends, even if we got hurt, and worked through it, and still care for one another.  I will never in my life understand that. 

So, to all the ones that rolled your eyes at her, To S, Love you too, be well, and I hope to talk with you again soon. 

Onto the other other things ... As I stated before my leaving of XOC and TX are for personal reasons.  Health issues have been mentioned, and not much beyond that will I ever say anything more ... so since this is about asking me questions, and me giving you the same answer.  Here's how it stands so I don't get anymore fricking questions.  I'm not dying, but I have put off some health issues that I need to make sure are taken care of, and during that time I need to heal from everything that's happened.  While staying might have helped, I believe I would have caused more harm then joy.  I'll be going through alot of pain in the next couple of months, and I do not, or do I ever want to let my temper be taken out on people I care about.  So, instead of loosing friends because I won't exactly tell them what's going on, I'm stepping away, in an honorable way, so I can deal with things, and not anger or hurt anyone I happen to love or care about. 

So, I hope this gets the general message across, please don't ask questions you know I will not answer.  I won't lie, but I will tell you I'm not talking about it.  And if it does continue to be asked and brought up out of the blue, I will release myself from the online world totally if people can not be respectfull of my wishes for not wanting to talk about it.  So, many more people out in this world are going through much worse then I am, but I'm dealing with my issues the best way I can, and that's to not hurt anyone during the process of dealing with these minor to maybe one major health issue.  So, pray, think about me ... send me positive energy, but don't harass the hell out of me in emails, chats ... or stuff like that, because I will not talk about it.  I haven't even talked to my mother, although she does slightly know alittle bit more then most people.  Everyone know how close I am to her, and that I moved back in with her because of her health problems.  I'm not even dumping them on her, but she's also alot more used to me when I'm dealing with physical pain, and lash out, and I know she'll still love me afterwards. 

And I think I've said enough today ... I don't know if I will update again, but I might, since I never really leave the on-line world, I just "disappear" from areas, and jump into new ones.

love,
wlfy

I wrote these 3 lines to a "poem I guess that's not even close to be finished ....

In my hour of need
I stand alone
In a world as big as
 this


No sure where it's going to ... but there it is ... for now anyways ...

Since I barely have time right now before I leave work early ... I just wanted to warn anyone that reads the edited and longer version of this post when I get home tonight to type it out.  It really is only directed at one person.  I feel the warning is needed becuz alot of people seem to think I'm talking about them when I'm cryptic.  Tonight's post will not be cryptic (if I can't help it) and it really is for one person, and them alone, and since I don't hide behind LOCKED posts, and I'm not afraid to make disagreements public since some things that I have asked for by this one person has been broken ... all hell will break loose tonight, in my final livejournal post, until I come back from my internet break, and deal with more important real life issues. 

So, it will be a dozy, and I will not be very nice in my wording, yet it will be simple and point blank. 

Thank you ...

More to come later ... 

After reading that opening I realized in my thinking on the way home, that it's not actually just for one person.  So, to make clear who this posting is not about, I will list the online names that all of them go by.  Alder, SIlverlight, Sofia, Quiet, Brabs, MG, PB, LadyR, XG.  There are about 3 people right now that I'm writing about, I will not name whom, as it's just something I need to get off my chest, before I take this long needed break from the internet to decide if it's worth coming back to a community for the most part that I love. 

I love the internet for the most part ... it has it's good aspects, and it has that side of it that I have seen for more then 18 years now.  You have some people that come onto the internet to be something other then, themselves in real life ... something they are lacking in real life ... and sometimes that's honestly a good thing.  For all the time I've been on the internet, I've been as true to myself on-line as I am in real life, because it doesn't serve me or anyone who gets to know me ... to present a false self to people.  I realized along time ago ... people behind the screen are real people to, they have feelings ... they have family problems ... they have jobs, school ... and the list could go on, I'm quite sure. 

I even come with my own advertisement anymore ... when I am hurt, I lash out in anger, that's how I deal with hurt ... then it goes through the other stages ... back to the point where I am calm and more rational in my thinking.  But I am honest about that to people, I don't hide it ... it's part of me, and I've learned I need to make sure people are aware of that so they know not to take things personal when I'm lashing out at things ... it's my way to piece things back together so I can find the answers I'm seeking to the problem that cause the hurt to begin with.  It is not in anyway to hurt someone else, granted it has happened in the past, and I feel like an ass afterwards ... but we all process things differently.  This is how I process things in my mind, in my world ... in my poems ... in my messages, in everything. 

My current problem in general words ... is ... I Have been accused by someone who doesn't know me, has not met me in real life ... has not even talked to me on the phone ... accused me of bringing my personal real life problems and attacking members of the board.  This happens to be false.  There has been only one issue even remotely mentioned to anyone on the board about my private life or my family, and that has been the article I wrote for the XOC Weekly Scroll, and it was about my Uncle.  In the Daily Thoughts/Prayer section of the paper, which I have now given control over to LadyR.  I know there are things that I have been cryptic about ... hinted around ... and slightly mention to VERY few people ... and when stuff like that get's back to me that people on the board whom I don't speak with ... aren't not even an aquintances of ... and they know about my private life ... there are only a few people that could have opened their mouths about it, and spilled the beans so to speak. 

If I wanted people to know what's going on, I WOULD TELL THEM MYSELF!  The main point is that I do not bring my personal life on to the boards.  I do not bring it into the internet what so ever ... unless I truly and deeply feel someone is concerned.  And to be honest even then ... I give the truth but it is general truth about the issue that is being talked about. 

It's me out here in this cyberspace .... not my family ... and I wish people would learn to be respectful of that if you know anything about my family that I told you in a private conversation.  To keep it to yourselves.  I have tried to do the same for you, when you've asked it of me ... because I want to respect your privacy just as much as I want mine respected. 

This is the issue ... my private life isn't being respected .... things have gotten to people, where it's none of their business.  It hasn't affected my time on the boards.  And I haven't broadcasted it there either. 

There are far more people out there in this world that are going through much worse things that I am.  I want to deal with it alone.  That's how I am.  I don't want the 20 damn questions .... of are things okay?  are you okay? Family okay?   Just leave it alone, and let me deal with my family in a quiet manner so I can respect their privacy too. 

And just maybe if you leave me the hell alone ... I might actually open up about these things more ... but since I've been so fricking hounded by shit and asscusations ... I am not talking about it to anyone.  Not even to people I consider friends.  

I have disabled comments to be allowed on this post ... because it will not help you to respond to me right now.  I am so pissed, so hurt, so angry ... that I prolly won't even accept a favorable comments right now. 

Just know that I really and truly care about you all ... but I can not keep hearing all this 3rd party bullshit from people and maintain a happy attitude towards a community that helped save me from some very dark times. 


Good bye ...

You all now have about 2 weeks before I will disappear from the internet for a few months to many.  That's means I will not be updating my journal, I will not be posting at XOC, and I will rarely be on msn.  Prolly the only place you will find me is on gmail during my work hours.  Other then that I will be a ghost in the machine.  As I've explained to very few, I have somethings that I have been putting off that I can no longer put off.  I need to deal with it, and see where it goes from there. 

So, there ya go, that's about it for this update ... actually with the writing competition over with I could start my leave of absence now.  But I won't, not yet ... still minor things to attend to online before leaving completely for awhile.

So, have a wonderful day, may the winds carry you safely to where ever you want to reach ...

When one door closes ... another one opens ...



That's pretty much what we have here in my life right now ... a few doors have closed, including this one on here ... and a few more have opened.  I've leaving one thing ... to walk openly into another.  Yes, I know that's as cryptic as all get out, and I'm going to let it stay that way for now.  I will be leaving the main part of XOC for awhile ... the only areas I will be checking on there will be the ASG because I have some commitments there, and I won't be posting on my livejournal for awhile either. 

I have a few doors opening in real life that I must look into, and that means parts of my online life will take a back seat.  Still problems with my mother, and some minor health stuff going on with me as well.  But lots of good stuff happening too. 

Anyways ... know that I think about the friends I've made on here often, even the ones that have drifted away for one reason or another.  Take care everyone ...


May the winds carry you safely to where your path leads you ...

That's all I've got to say ... drained .. very drained.  Blocking everyone out this week. 

I started to post this last night but for some reason LJ didn't want to be very helpful in letting me post, so I have some time here in the quiet morning before I have to do some work to post.  It may not be as I wanted it to, because I was almost done with the post that night when things went to helicon and back.

So, for my second attempt here we go ...

This post I'm going to start out with one of my favorite bible quotes when I was child, and one I still hold in my heart everyday.  Even though I don't practice my religion … it's never left me, and will always be apart of whom I am. 

1 Corinthians 13 (NIV)

4 Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.


This next line is the most important part of this passage ...

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.  But the greatest of these is love.

   Some stones have been cast my way this week by a dear friend, and although on some levels I can understand it, it’s still a judgment, and a wrong way to go about things, when you’ve told me that you love me unconditionally. You’ve now placed a condition on being my friend, and extended family member. Through all my years, I have slowly and gently weeded people out of my life that can’t accept my life fully. The only exception to that rule is my blood relative. Everyone knows about my Aunt, and her not accepting a small part of my life, and what makes me who I am today. We’ve come to a compromise that I’m alright with, because blood is thicker then water, and where I was born we take care of our kin, regardless of any bad blood between the parties. There’s less tension now in the family ranks, and it’s easier to be around each other. Before I make a commitment to anyone, my partner knows this going into a relationship with me. It’s only fair, so they will be able to decide for themselves if this is acceptable for them to be with me. I hide nothing, from anyone … even my skeletons, they all come out in due time, but they do come out. 

   I don’t know how to move forward with this new event that’s happened. I could do what I normally do, let it go, and move totally on, but I don’t believe that helps either party. You don’t grow in life, if you are constantly “running” away from hard, tough issues even in friendship, and I believe this other party is doing so right now. Running for fear, or from total acceptance. I’m not sure, and I may be off the mark, but I’m not the only one that sees this, other has made some of the same comments to me, and has seen the same things I see. So, I know it’s not an illusion hanging out there trying to blind me to the truth. 

   Sometimes the ones that scream the loudest, even in a soft voice, are exactly what they fear. I believe that’s the case this time around. I know that this must seem cryptic, but it’s very clear to whom I am talking to and what the issue is about. If you walk through life, moving with your heart with good intentions, it doesn’t matter what your sexuality is, you will not be harmed or cast out. Love has and always will be the guidance of humans. It doesn’t change your faith, your belief in God, and your relationship with him. To celebrate in life joy, happiness, and love with your friends and family, loving them totally for whom they are, and whom they love. You can not be a bad person, or lack any faith, in doing this, but you lack faith, and understanding when you don’t. And you become what you don’t want to be, prejudice and a hypocrite. Not the unconditionally loving person that you strive everyday to be. 

   This is the problem … and this issue is going to be hard to resolve, and I don’t know how to move forward, but I know it hurts having to question this again in my life, when I’ve done so many times before. 

 

 

The first five people to respond to this post will get something made by me! My choice. For you.

This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:


I make no guarantees that you will like what I make!

What I create will be just for you.

It'll be done this year. No guarantees when, it will be a total surprise!

You have no clue what it's going to be. It may be poetry. I may draw or paint something. I may bake you something and mail it to you. Who knows? Not you, that's for sure!

I reserve the right to do something extremely strange.
The catch? Oh, the catch is that you have to repost this and play, too. We can all make stuff and make someone's day a little bit brighter!

I wrote this poem along time ago, but since I've been sharing some of my poems on here ... thought this was the next logical choice.  No, it's not in response to any of the recent events in my life.  I just wanted to share it.

Please Don't

© R. Baker
 

I reach out to you
Yet, you're not there
It seems to me
Like I'm a puppet
On a string
Dancing in the wilds
Of your game
I want the truth
Or cut me lose
Untie me from your
Strings
I ache, hurt
Embrace by this
Silence
I don't want to
Dance if I can't
Know the truth
You know what
I want
Rings in my ears
Yet, I don't
I'm scared
I'm lost
I hope
But can't
I feel
I ache
I hurt
Knowing nothing but
Time
Without you
It's nothing
But a cage
Lost in my rage
Set me free
Or hold me tight
This is the choice
That you have
From me
Leave me
Love me
But please don't
Hurt me