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New Year
Since I will find myself in bed a tad eariler then midnight tonight, I thought I might do just alittle reflection on this past year.
Which could either work two ways once people start reading this and commenting back ... it's going to shut me down and all my shields will go up, or I will shed the past, and feel safe to move into this New Year.
Last year at this time I was still doing an extreme amount of overtime (like I have this year), the only difference is I have friends to help me get thru it this time around. Both my sister and my mother found out some pretty bad news around this time last year, and it hit one right after the other. I went thru it by myself, and held everything together like I always do. My mother was diagnosed with inoperable (spelling) brain tumors, so tiny they couldn't operate on them. All this year they have been monitoring her condition, and her health, so forth. My sister was diagnosed with something just as tramatic, but becuz she's not in the on-line world, I won't tell you all what exactly it is. She's currently trying her best to live with the condition the best she can, and remain positive. We haven't been getting along lately, but I still care very deeply for her.
With me ... I've just been trying to regain more balance in my life, and apparently no matter what I go thru on a daily basis, I have friends amazed that I'm still breathing at the end of the day. Or that I want to still be breathing at the end of the day. I'm there for everyone who needs my attention, or to vent, or to just talk with. I've become more open, while still trying to find that delicate balance of being a very private person. I don't want to come off like I'm harsh or rude, or that I don't want anyone to know what's going on with me. I want that space to be able to handle it, and then tell you what happened in my own time.
And after some heavy thinking ... I think I've finally opened myself up to let love back into my life. That was a long hard road to accept, and I'm sure I will still struggle with it, and at times want to shut down completely, but I'm willing to risk it again. Which is truly, for me, something everyone should be dancing for joy, cuz even just last night I didn't think I'm *worth* loving. Spent a nice long night crying, becuz I'm so scared that people don't find me loveable. Or someone would find me that loveable.
So, that's my reflection on this past year, ... and I hope by saying all this ... I can shed the past and move into this New Year, with a tad bit lighter load on my shoulders.
love,
wlfy
"I find the times of wind changing.
It blows and moves.
Like leaves falling from trees.
So, I find myself asking
Who will walk with me?"
(yes, I just wrote that)
Which could either work two ways once people start reading this and commenting back ... it's going to shut me down and all my shields will go up, or I will shed the past, and feel safe to move into this New Year.
Last year at this time I was still doing an extreme amount of overtime (like I have this year), the only difference is I have friends to help me get thru it this time around. Both my sister and my mother found out some pretty bad news around this time last year, and it hit one right after the other. I went thru it by myself, and held everything together like I always do. My mother was diagnosed with inoperable (spelling) brain tumors, so tiny they couldn't operate on them. All this year they have been monitoring her condition, and her health, so forth. My sister was diagnosed with something just as tramatic, but becuz she's not in the on-line world, I won't tell you all what exactly it is. She's currently trying her best to live with the condition the best she can, and remain positive. We haven't been getting along lately, but I still care very deeply for her.
With me ... I've just been trying to regain more balance in my life, and apparently no matter what I go thru on a daily basis, I have friends amazed that I'm still breathing at the end of the day. Or that I want to still be breathing at the end of the day. I'm there for everyone who needs my attention, or to vent, or to just talk with. I've become more open, while still trying to find that delicate balance of being a very private person. I don't want to come off like I'm harsh or rude, or that I don't want anyone to know what's going on with me. I want that space to be able to handle it, and then tell you what happened in my own time.
And after some heavy thinking ... I think I've finally opened myself up to let love back into my life. That was a long hard road to accept, and I'm sure I will still struggle with it, and at times want to shut down completely, but I'm willing to risk it again. Which is truly, for me, something everyone should be dancing for joy, cuz even just last night I didn't think I'm *worth* loving. Spent a nice long night crying, becuz I'm so scared that people don't find me loveable. Or someone would find me that loveable.
So, that's my reflection on this past year, ... and I hope by saying all this ... I can shed the past and move into this New Year, with a tad bit lighter load on my shoulders.
love,
wlfy
"I find the times of wind changing.
It blows and moves.
Like leaves falling from trees.
So, I find myself asking
Who will walk with me?"
(yes, I just wrote that)
I understand exactly what it's like not to feel worth loving. And even more so, I understand what it's like to be there for everyone else out of that drive. Since I didn't think anyone could...um, notice, value, love?...me as I was, I did as many things as I could because in the moment, then, I was still okay -- just as long as I could keep up doing everything I was doing. And I knew it was for the wrong reasons, and I knew how exhausted I was, but I kept on foraging forward anyway.
You don't have to do that anymore. You're...I don't want to embarrass you and shut you down...but you just are who you are, you know? And there are reasons you are loved.
I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you in person during that night, and I'll be home very soon. *hugs*
Until then, hugs kisses.
hugs,kisses
This year will bring you balance because it is what you seek. I hope you stay open to this world because there are people in it that love you no matter what. I only hope you can see that. I know you do, at least now, but it's ok to cry about it when you need to. We all need release so things do't bottle up and get out of hand.
Happy New Year... great post. Very heartfelt. I love your writing. And you are *so* loveable. Love comes in many different forms. Patience and balance will bring it to you even more than you already attract it.
I wish you much love, light and hope in this new year. Also, I'm glad I get to be here to see it unfold for you. :)